I'll ditch the prince and take his shinning armor.

01.02.08

I was going to write the best diary entry but I froze up. I may have forgotten how to type. I think I lost my spark. SPARK! I asked Dave at work if we could test the fire sprinklers in the clean room and he said no. That would have inspired a spark. People say no to me a lot when I get super fantastic ideas. I'm so so sure I like it. I don't. How am I ever suppose to spark when no one will let me set things on fire.
I need fire.
I need to vent. I need anger to vent with. I have no anger. I hate anger. I don't do anger well. I don't like it, I leave when people show it, and I lie and supress myself when I think I'm about to become it.
I've done one thing that I always meant to do. I've let go and learned to forgive. I also discovered that it wasn't people from before I had to let go, it was me and how I had to forgive myself for what I did when they did what was done. Does that make since? It's so easy. It wasn't them that hurt me, it was me. It was me that was weak and me that let them and me that tore myself down. Not to take responcibily away from them but it does let me forgive them and move along. It's not a New Year Resolution. And its not a new promise or goal. It's been building and I've been working on myself since I was told once that I need to just let go. I didn't think words could cut so deep, but I heard the honesty in my friend's voice. It's been five - maybe six - years since, but I've moved on. A week ago. Again, not just because it happens to be a new year.
Did I mention it's James' birthday! YAY!
I don't like talking much face to face. And I want to always be just me and not part of anyone else. I want to free and to me, love is just another form of anger. It sparks jealously which bars me, it creates rediculous conversations, which bug me, it puts you on cloud nine that yo-yo's up and down. I want not to be another girl like I've always been. I want not to be a mother, a house wife, a companion. I want not to hear I love you everyday because that turns my stomach. I want not to roll over and feel someone there and kick and scream and grab for a knife. I would be the bloody widow behind bars trying to forgive myself when everyone else looks at me like I'm a murderer. Don't they understand? I wanted to roll over and he was in my way. Don't they understand? I couldn't breath with him laying there. Don'y they understand? Love makes people do crazy things.

If I lived this life entirely to love my friends and my family, to live for life and to believe in myself and those closest to me... I lived this life to my own standards I would be the happiest woman in the world. And if I lived this life, and happened - just happened - to be stolen by Prince Charming, well - I would learn to forgive myself later. Who could say no to a Prince?

yesterdays and tomorrows