I need you to know me as me.

01.04.08

Something is wrong. I can't explain it. I'm bursting from the core. There is something and I have no words for it. No words? Me without words? I don't know what to do when I can't write. I thrive on the written word. I meditate in language, I dive through the keyboard and the words just happen! They flow and I breath, they set me one fire and I become! But now I'm mad at such words. I don't trust them. They lie, I lie? Not to you, dear reader! I mask me feelings - yes - no one knows what I'm writing about - yes - but at least I write. Now and yesterday I've have feelings and no language, I'm had a burning need to go up in flames but have been without a tourch! I ramble, I don't spell write, I have no detail, no leading thoughts, no back up ideas! I'm useless. I'm broken. My heart is beating, my soul is screaming but without a way to write it? I don't know if I'm okay. I don't know if I should be in this panic! I don't know who knows or what they know or what they've read or what is true or what is me or what I am or become or will be. I don't know without writing it out and nothing is new. Nothing is origional. I've done this before. I've gone on and on and on before. I panic. I deleted every myspace blag because I couldn't tell them any more! I had no words and all the words before that were wrong. They didn't flow. They didn't write me out. I wasn't in it. I wasn't real. I scream and hear it and I run and feel it but I write and nothing. Just nothing. Long sentances and long thoughts and strung together, fading into the next, into nothingness. I live for this flavor and I've lost it!

I know it will be back but I really needed it now. I needed poetry, I needed meditation, I needed myself to write me down and I failed you. And as my loyal readers I failed you aswell.

I won't blog anymore. For now on, no matter how silly I write only for diaryland and my lovers here. I write for those who know me, love me, and stalk me.

Thank you readers.

Thank you.

Nelapsi

yesterdays and tomorrows