"They've been insisting there's no difference between us. So hidden in the picture wrapping the world around me..."

05.08.08

I don't know what I'm waiting for. Sometimes I think I'm just waiting for life to pass me by. Yet, I think I have to be something great. I have to justify my life. I have to be worth all the effort my parents put into raising me. I have to be strong and I have to live up to some standard that I feel was never set so I can never reach it. I feel like if I do nothing then I'm worth nothing but when I think about what I can be - what is worth anything... my mind goes completely blank and I become nothing.

I like the sound of thick paper being picked up and shuffled against more thick paper. I love the smell of matches and sulfer and heat. The smell of heat? Yes, I love the smell of fire... but the smell of heat is just as good. It comes from a hot day, hot shower, curling iron, coffee, boiling water, the stove, an over heated engine, an over heated body, yes, if questioned, my favorite smell would be heat. My favorite fragrance - lilacs, my favorite place - the Marsing Park, my favorite movie - Wild Hearts Can't be Broken, my favorite song - The Origon of Love, my favorite memory - all of them. I love fire and new things but I cling to what's familar and I get lost and I forget and I lay in bed but I never sleep.

I must be waiting for something fantastic to change. I must be waiting for someone to see through my colors and my masks... I have to stop waiting and I have to do something. I'm too much to be what I've let myself become.

I need a nap.

Nelapsi

yesterdays and tomorrows