Tell me, what do they call the color of glass you wear in your eyes?

04.25.09

My life is good. I'm stronger than I thought. I'm single since Easter. Yes, I broke up with my boyfriend on Easter. I didn't mean to do it on a national holiday. Maybe I felt Christ rise up in me. Maybe I want him to remember me at least one day a year. Point is, I'm single. And in the two weeks I've been single I've lost two pounds. Funny how happiness shows in the body.

I'm not beamiong with joy. 9 months is a long time, and in that time I loved him, I was there for him, bailed him out of jail, asked him to see how much his drinking was destroying our relationship; in the last few months I could feel myself shattering. I saw the worry from friends and family. I felt the sudden gasp for self preservation. I had to break off a part of me - a part of my heart that tried to protect him - in order to save who I am. There are no holes in my heart. No empty pieces, the part I broke off isn't missing. I handed it to him on Easter, explaining how he hurt it and I had no need to hold on. Is that at all dramatic?

I miss him. I miss the love, the pride, I miss being the trophy girlfriend on the hot Hawain's arm. But I don't miss the smell of alcohal and the lies that went with it. I don't miss the fear of his drinking; wondering if this will be the night his drunk becomes physical.

I am happy but a little sad. I am me again. I know my diary hasn't been much to read lately. I'm working on getting back to myself. My family thinks I'm so strong for breaking up with him before it got worst. And I feel so weak because I miss him.

I'm getting back to myself. Reading a lot to keep distracted. I live alone in my own two bedroom apartment in Boise. I'm scared of the second room when its dark. Theres a sliding glass door leading to the patio from that dark empty room. Such an easy target!

I miss some old friends. I dislike distance between good hearts.

Still working at Micron. Still driving my lovely Ford Escort. Still dyeing my hair red.

Oh! I'm going to Salt Lake City on May 1st with Petey. I'm excited for the road trip.

Life is good and from now on, I'm going to have stories to tell and love to extend, and memories to make. I'll make Nelapsi worth reading again.

Love me,

Nelapsi

yesterdays and tomorrows